A few weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend asking me at what point (time length wise) is a “just dating” situation really a “relationship” situation. She was asking for a friend of her’s who had been dating this guy for months on end and wanting to seal the deal with him. She was just confused as to whether or not they were already a couple.
I just asked a series of questions that started what I felt was an interesting discussion. the topics circled around…
- Time Spent
- Exclusivity
- Sexual Activity
- Emotional Attachment
And even though I didn’t ask about it during the course of the conversation – I’ll go ahead and throw “Sense of ‘Ownership’” in there as well (I’ll explain that one I promise). So let’s go…
Time Spent
I had to ask if they were spending every waking moment with one another or not because for a man, the time he spends on things shows that he cares – or at least how much. Even if he hardly spends time with the Lady in question, if he doesn’t spend time with anyone else – that says a lot.
He may be a “busy” guy who has somehow made an effort to work you into his Life. That alone speaks volumes if he’s the solitary type. However if he gives you last priority time slots in his day, that says a lot as well. Whatever the case – take that “Time Spent” and brush it up against how long you all have been at this (a month, three months, etc.) and you should have a nice high-level picture of where you might stand vs. the Relationship Status.
Exclusivity
Are the two of you dating anyone else? If a man is sending clear signals that he likes your time and no one else’ then he may be looking past “just dating”. If a woman is doing that – it may mean the same. Point is, when you’re young and “at your physical prime” (some people get better as they age – just saying) – you have options.
If either of you are choosing NOT to pounce on those other routes that are available to you all (no pun intended), maybe you’ve already subconsciously chosen what your heart desires?
Sexual Activity
“Just Dating” is such a sloppy term because it doesn’t include whether or not you’re just holding hands, kissing or doing the naked horizontal tango (yeah I said it). If you two are spending every moment together, only seeing one another AND getting busy – you may as well be in a relationship at that point. I mean – sure – that’s not all a relationship is, but only a fool thinks that physical intimacy doesn’t increase the chance of emotional relevance.
Being less verbose – if you’re having sex – the chances of it meaning “more than just sex” to you increases. It’s only natural that such a thing happens – especially if it’s good sex.
I don’t promote the whole just screwing around aspects of any friendship – but I can’t jusdge. Plus – like I said – relationships are more than that. But it leads to the last few points…
Emotional Attachment
How do you two honestly feel about one another? If the woman is just his jump-off, that understanding needs to be established. If he just provides her with physical satisfaction when she needs it – that also needs to be cleared up (trust me Ladies – a lot of guys won’t mind this arrangement). I’m just saying – are there feelings there?!
It doesn’t matter if it’s one person or two people. If only one of you feels an emotional tie – you may want to calm it down a bit and remove the sexual side of the interactions because it’s only setting you up for heartache if only one of you genuinely cares. And then that brings us to the…
Sense of Ownership
Friends don’t get jealous of friends. We just don’t. If either of you find yourself getting an attitude when the other person goes out with someone else of the opposite sex, you’ve already instinctively “claimed your territory” so to speak.
Jealousy is a horribly honest indicator of how much some people care about others. Then again, everyone’s not the jealous type (I’m not) — but if I were dating a girl and I saw her giving another dude a lap dance or something at a club — I’d be pissed! That’s because we’d be in a relationship. You get what I’m saying?
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So that’s what I told her basically. We also had a lot of discussion going on from those who were around us.
If anyone is messing around with all of this crap over a prolonged amount of time – you may as well be in a relationship and quit fronting on the feelings that may have developed. Notice I didn’t say anything about, “Does he buy you things?” because that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. He could just be a nice guy at that point – and I don’t want a lot of Ladies thinking that I endorse the thought of “every man that buys you anything likes you.” It’s just not true.
I will say this though…
Ladies – if a guy won’t give you the exclusivity you seek or anything like that but you’re giving him everything else, pull back — he’s not into you like that. He’s basically just getting the milk for free. Why take the cow? (If you aren’t familiar with that saying – it’s “Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?”)
What do you think? When is just dating really a relationship in your eyes? Do you think it gets more difficult to determine such things as we get older? I mean when we were younger, “Will you be my girlfriend?” was a standard question — in our 20′s… not so much. Do you think the title matters (personally it does to me – I don’t know about other Gents)?? Tell me your thoughts on these things and more in the Comment Section below.
Peace and thanks for reading.
